So from May 3rd to May 6th, I was in Miami for an economic conference. Or at least that was the reasoning behind it. In reality, it was ten minutes of signing up for the conference at the hotel and then dipping, free to do whatever for the next few days. It was actually a really horrible time to take a vacation. I’m behind on a shit-ton of work for my classes, including this one. And this probably won’t reflect well on my work ethic, but you can’t deny my bluntness.

Here’s some overly-edited pictures as a quick distraction though:

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Shameless plug for my Instagram since I’m not too sure how to credit myself (one perk of having an unusual name is that I don’t have trouble finding a username for myself).

But on a more serious note, this trip away from home gave me a small moment to recollect myself and contemplate about myself.

It’s hard to put into words, and I’m not a good communicator, but there was something beautiful and satisfying about being away from everything and everyone I knew. In those few short days, I pretty much cut contact with the sphere that I had enveloped myself in.

I was with people that I barely knew. I was in a city that I had never been to before.

I was, in a sense, alone. And it was invigorating.

Really, I was just free.

My brother has seizures. We don’t know where it came from. He claims it was from abusing ketamine. My parents believe it was a stroke of bad luck. And me? I’m not too sure what to think. I was doing just as much as him. But how am I off, scot-free? And even worse, how do I grasp with the fact that I enabled him? He’s not a little kid. If he wants to do something, he’ll do it. Would anything have changed if I told him no? Probably not. But how would I ever know?

Right now, he’s lost. He studies criminal justice and wanted to be a cop. But those aspirations got cut into the lines he sniffed.

Granted, it’s not the end of any possibility of getting a job. He just can’t be a cop. But he already put so much time into it, only to get blindsided.

My parents are good people. They’re law-abiding. They pay their taxes. They always provided for me and my brother.

We’ll just never see eye-to-eye.

And really, it’s not my dad I have problems with. It’s my mom.

We’re just too much alike in some ways. And I don’t mean personality. I’m one of the most laid-back people you’ll ever meet. She’s neurotic, has an incessant desire to micromanage, and thinks the world is out to destroy her life. Makes you wonder how I turned out the way I did.

No, we’re similar in the sense that we’re both byproducts of shitty mothers.

I’m not too sure where to start. Maybe with her life. As far as I know, my grandparents are sweet. Life had probably tempered them by the time I was born, but I never knew a harsh word from them. I didn’t see them much, but I was spoiled every time I did.

My mom told me a different story though. Her dad was never home. He was always out going to bars and cheating. Her mom had to manage a fractured household, because in those times, and in that kind of society, divorce just wasn’t an option. But obviously my grandmother had to let out her frustration out somewhere. And I guess my mom was the target. It’s a sick situation. A kid has no control over that kind of circumstance. The world they know is molded by their parents. And in this case, simultaneously ripped apart.

You fuck with them psychologically. Make them dependent on yourself. Coax them back with a sweet word or too, or maybe do something nice. Things seem okay. Great even. And then something sets you off and this cycle perpetuates. This is what she implied to me.

Everything clicked. But all I felt was disgust. And anger. Can’t forget that one. I guess when I was young, I had built up this monster in my mind. But to learn that monster was human? That messed with me for a bit. For you to be aware of the wrongdoings of your mom and then to impose them on me? I’m not sure quite sure how the hypocrisy of that eluded her.

Well, it didn’t completely elude her. We went to family counseling.

There’s no real theme to this blog post, and I know that goes against the blog checklist. But being in a new place away from my responsibilities just made me feel some kind of way.

Here’s a source on ketamine. Just to be clear, I’m ambivalent on drug use. I still do them myself from time to time. People are free to do as they please. Just be aware that there are consequences.

Here’s a link advocating counseling. The stigma against seeking mental health is ludicrous. Just the act of speaking your mind in a safe environment is cathartic in-of-itself.

On a lighter note, here’s a shout-out to the hotel I was at. It was beautiful and had a great view. The only downside was it wasn’t, as the kids would say, in the lit part of Miami. And do check out Crackers and Jackson Soul Food. The food was cheap and pretty damn amazing.